LIVING WITH OCD
by Vicky Cosby, Charleston, WV
Having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is being trapped in personal hell in your own head. You want to do things but you can’t because you are literally wrestling in your head over whether it is ok or not to do. It is like one side of you says, “Oh, it’s ok to do this because I will be alright,” but then you have the other side in dispute, saying that if you do this you or someone close to you will die because of your actions. The OCD affliction that predominately inhabits me directs a war with germs.
I am afraid of getting sick with viruses. I know I won’t die if I get one but I do a lot of things to avoid getting sick. I avoid going to a lot of places to keep from getting sick. If I do get sick, I barricade myself to keep my family or even other people from getting whatever it is I have. So it goes beyond protecting just myself, it is more about protecting others from getting sick.
OCD has affected my life by limiting me to what I do on a social aspect (i.e., going places in public, being around people, having people in my home). There are many aspects that hinder my life by having OCD.
I went to Cosmetology school to style hair on two different occasions. I quit both times before I got put out on the floor to serve the public because of fear of getting lice. Lice itself doesn’t bother me. I mean, I don’t want it but it is the cleaning you have to do once you get it or it is brought into your home that is the issue.
Like with Bedbugs. I’m getting ready for vacation and once I get to my destination I check for bedbugs, cleanliness etc. This takes some time to do. Most people just go about their business but I cannot do that. There are certain rituals that I must do in order to be able to relax.
I had a job making 48k a year, not counting my commissions, with retirement, great insurance, savings, etc. I got a virus and since I could not make myself go back to work, I just up and quit.
OCD greatly affects my relationships with family, friends, and people in general. My husband has done very well with trying to cope with my OCD. If we are out in public and we’re close to stepping in something like vomit, liquids, or anything I find gross he has to let me spray his feet with Lysol before he gets in the car.
There are times we had to come home, strip down, throw clothes in the washer, take showers and spray more Lysol for me to feel that we are going to be ok. If I or my husband is sick I will not let anyone come around, if anyone else is sick I won’t let them come around me.
For a long time certain family members would tell me to just get over it… turn it off. That makes me so mad because if I could just turn it off I would. It is a living hell in my own head that I cannot escape. My friends are limited mostly due to public exposure. It takes someone special to be my friend and deal with me.
I hurt people’s feelings but not on purpose. Specific to me, there are certain things, routines, that must be done which the commoner just doesn’t understand. This puts them off. I am fortunate that my best friend totally understands my circumstance which prevents her feelings from being hurt. She goes along with whatever I need to do or what I may need her to do.
My routines and rituals don’t apply so much in my personal space for daily functions. I did at one point have to check everything at least 3 times. For example, I had to make sure everything in the house – and I mean everything – was plugged in properly or that all doors and windows were locked as I did house checks. This action was primarily based in protecting my children from harm due to fire, vandals, etc.
These checks could take anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes or more depending on how bad my OCD had fluctuated to at that time. Then I even started directing my husband or children to go behind me and check to make sure that I was checking everything properly; confirming that all plugs were secure and safe, all light switches were properly turned off, no strangers in the house, and that I was doing everything correctly and not missing anything. Since my children have left my home I am not as bad but I still have my times when I do this. The more stressed I am the greater my OCD is.
In some aspect, I think I have always had OCD as far as needing things in certain places, counting, repetition of things, but I would say around 12 is when it became more exclusive with certain things and in my 20’s it became very prominent.
I was so bad I would have to wash my hands in Clorox 3 times before I felt they were clean. When it got to the point that I was on my 4th shower within 2 hours of being up out of bed is when I decided that enough was enough and sought out help from my doctor.
Some of my family members have OCD in other aspects. None are to the extent that I am. I do see it more in one of my granddaughters than anyone else in the family.
Yes, I am under a doctor’s care for OCD and also GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). When someone has OCD there is usually other disorders that come with it. My doctor has been trying to get me to take medicine for 20 years or so regarding my OCD.
But that is part of OCD… scared to take medicine. It took me until 2 years ago to finally be able to take medicine, which, I will add, has helped to some degree. I believe GOD has been the main reason I am able to cope better with this now than anything else.
There is definitely way more Cons to having OCD than Pros. The only Pro would be that my heightened level of carefulness probably protects me from getting sick as much as other people, but on the other hand I shelter myself so much that I am probably hindering my defenses against all the germs that my body has no time to form a resistance to. So, are there really cons to having OCD?
On a side note, I am OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), which is somewhat different from just OCD.
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